You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
