I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
