You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
