so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
