I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She's not a foreskin expert like you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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