If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
