I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
