Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
