You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
