if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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