Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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