I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
