I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
