it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
