I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
