Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
All I want is dick and wine.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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