my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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