If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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