life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
