I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
