i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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