The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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