I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
