Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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