I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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