operation harelip BJ is a go
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
