I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
