Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
