just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
