Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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