I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
