party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
