Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
