I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm always down for nudity.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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