I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
