it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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