When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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