Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
