I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
