You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
