im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
