My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
