I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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