By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
