Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
