Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
