I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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