we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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