you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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