So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
