whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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