I can't watch pbs sober anymore
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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