Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize