the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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