this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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