I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
