Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
