my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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