and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
