i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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