apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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